My hardest day

Today started out really well... Tigger was cuddling with me this morning - that made it really hard to get out of bed... We rushed out of the house and Chris dropped me off downtown for my one day Women's Conference. The sessions were really interesting but the last one of the day really hit me hard - it was about dealing with Emotional Stress. I guess it hit me so hard because I never really thought about how much emotional stress I'm have, and have been had for quite a long time. I was at a table near the front, which made it a lot harder for me since I was pretty much an inch away from bawling my eyes out and being stubborn and proud person that I am, I didn't want to cry infront of my coworkers and all those strangers - I don't like showing my emotions... its something I deal with alone or with really close friends and family. I have a lot of trust issues.

The session really made me think about forgiveness and things I have been keeping pushed down inside of me. As soon as the session was done, I packed up my things - I was trying so hard not to look at anyone, I was afraid that if I made eye contact it would break the tiny shred of control I had over my tears. Luckily my phone rang (it was my mom) and I could focus on giving her the address to where I was so she could pick me up. Afterwards I felt I was a little more in control so I started walking out with my coworkers - they had driven to the hotel so I went to the lobby to wait for my ride. I really wish I had brought my mp3 player with me so I could focus on something other than my own thoughts... I was really struggling to keep it together... I even thought about going upstairs to the washroom to have a good cry, but I was afraid that once I started, I would not be able to stop - this has happened to me once before and I was lucky that I was home at the time because I literally passed out. I got really close to losing it so I went outside with my jacket open and let the cold (it was really really really cold) fresh air wash over me. It helped - It was easy to focus on how the cold air felt and smelled and how cold I was getting.

I was able to keep it together the rest of the night.

I've been thinking about one thing the instructor said... Forgiveness reduces emotional stress. I have a real problem with forgiving people, even myself. But I have to find a way to do it.

I have to forgive:

• my biological father... I've been carrying a lot of baggage around for years because he wasn't a part of my life and I felt abandoned - I still do.


• my best friend's husband... for abusing our relationship, for abusing my friend, for treating us both so badly and for being the main reason I don't see my friend anymore.


• my best friend... for using me, for blaming me, for not being there the one time I really needed her to be, for being able to get pregnant so easily, for having a beautiful little baby girl, for letting her husband treat her so badly.


• my sister... for treating me so badly when I was a child, for leaving when she was so young - I felt so abandoned by her, for treating me like I was still the child she knew when she lived at home even though I was an adult.


• my brother... for leaving when he was young - both of my siblings really hurt me by leaving me to grow up as an only child. I still don't know them very well


• My uncle... who spread lies about me to the rest of my family, who didn't live up to his end of a deal and then made it out to be a 'life lesson' for me, for always telling me I was fat and should do something about it, for being addicted to Pot, for hurting the family by hiding his sexual orientation from the family until he had AIDS, for being selfish.


• Kim... for treating me like crap when we lived together, for ignoring me completely when I travelled for 3 hours to come to her baby shower, for being so rude to me all the time and for always hurting her wonderful patient and kind husband.


• Mil... for treating me like I'm not good enough, for not smiling at my wedding, for being so pushy, for all of the pressure - babies, house, job... for always saying the wrong thing, for wishing I was more like Sil.


• Sil... for acting like everything should be handed to her, for getting pregnant by accident, for never remembering important dates but getting mad when I don't remember ones that are important to her.


• ME... for having PCOS, for being obese, for not being able to get pregnant, for being proud, for not being able to ask for help, for not being strong, for being painfully shy... my list for what I need to forgive myself for goes on and on...

I guess I have a lot to work on. So... today was my hardest day. But maybe now that I know how much all of this has been weighing on me I will work on it. I just wish I was stronger right now.